1st Father's Day without Him

This weekend will mark the first Father’s Day since my Dad passed. I honestly wish that I could go without it, what does that say about me? I could easily redeem myself by stating that he would totally understand, but the underlying fact that I wish to be selfish in the first place is still there. When he passed, there were a lot of comments thrown around about my brother and I being adopted, so that somehow implied that we were effected less by his passing, or that he wasn’t as much of a father to us because he wasn’t blood? He was more a father to me than any man I had ever known. It was really quite ridiculous. It is funny to hear of stories about how uptight he use to be about people. My mother always said that he changed the way he looked at people quite a bit in the years they were married. We tend to have that effect on people, my mother and I.
He saw it all clearly before he passed, it was like talking to a completely new man. He understood the effect of negativity, he was ready to try anything to keep himself healthy, anything to get my mom back…  I know that I have said it before, but I will probably repeat it time and again, we were so very blessed to have those hours upon hours to talk before he went into surgery. I know in my heart that there is nothing that could replace that. I had that… his adopted, loved, caring step-daughter. We had that…
Can I tell you how it broke my heart that my son picked up his book of photos and before turning to the correct page, he started saying, “Papa, Papa?” It is the small times such as then that tend to catch me off guard and leave me a bawling mess. Think I might take the Lemur King to his Dad’s in Toledo and head over to Molly’s, my Dad’s favorite little diner to eat? His girls would get a kick out of that. Then maybe take a newspaper over to Charlie, Dad’s best friend. He’s in a home right now and he can’t stand it there. Wish I were able to take him out on my own, but I would be too afraid of him losing his footing and falling. We will have to see how it works out. So much to be done. I know that whatever it is that I end up doing,  Dad will be right there laughing his behind off. Such a comforting feeling.